My Ex-Boyfriend Really Hurt Me. How do I move on?

 Hi JoyDiva,

My ex and i broke up a few weeks ago. I was in love with him and adored him until one night he….ahem…. took my clothes off and insisted that I workout even more and start dieting. I was humiliated and ashamed and I still am in shock over this. Now that he said that, I can’t stop thinking that i’m fat. I can’t look in the mirror anymore without feeling shame that I didn’t try harder to please him (working out more and dieting). Never have I ever cried so much over what a man has said to me but for some reason, this really affected me. Please help me. I am scared that every guy I get with is going to act like this whenever we get intimate.

Scared Little Bee

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Dear Scared Little Bee,

I’m so sorry that you experienced such a trauma. In order to feel in control of the pain, your mind is already starting to add stories to what happened in order to help you cope—stories like, “I can’t trust men;” “Men won’t find me attractive;” “There is something wrong with me;” “I’m not lovable as I am.” Your mind wants to search for meaning for WHY your ex-boyfriend said this to you, and the pain you are feeling is because his words fed a story in your mind (that goes back to a very young age) that there is truly something wrong with you. (There isn’t.)

I want you to notice when you start to revisit that moment with him and play it out in your mind. Your mind has no gifts for you at times like that—it is just trying to make you feel in control in face of the pain, and it actually FEEDS the pain and creates suffering. I want you to be aware of your breathing in those moments and find the point of emotional pain in your body (you’ll notice that all emotions show up in the body). Bring your attention and your breath to focus on the center of where you feel the emotional pain in your body and continue to breathe, relaxing your shoulders and feeling your heart opening. Focus your attention in this way until the pain dissipates. This is how we begin the process of healing and open our hearts.

I recognize that you may have fear every time you approach a new relationship with a man, and particularly, when it comes to becoming physically intimate. You actually have a choice whether or not you let something that happened in the past dictate your future, and the primary way you burn through the fear and mistrust and come into love is by facing your fears head-on, by continuing to date and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, despite the fear and the voice in your head telling you to close yourself off. It is not actually true that all men will speak to you or feel in the manner of your former boyfriend, and by facing your fears, you are actually honoring yourself as worthy of love, and your courage alone will do much to bolster your confidence and heal this trauma.

Life is always bringing us exactly what we need to heal and be free. I want you to know that even the painful moments (especially the painful moments) are here as gifts to help us to see where we are not trusting in life’s unfolding, where we have yet to embrace and love ourselves. In your search for approval outside of yourself, you chose a partner who did not honor you or see you as you truly are; you put him on a pedestal, and he then mirrored your own insecurity about your body. As painful as this was to experience, it was a gift for you to notice the ways in which YOU reject YOURSELF. I want you to imagine that it’s possible to love yourself and your body so much that the next time (if ever) someone speaks to you that way, you would just walk away in disbelief and simply feel compassion for the limit of that person’s thinking. It is possible to be that confident and free in yourself.

You are loved in every moment. There is nothing in life that is truly intended to hurt you—pain and inner disturbance are an inevitable part of life, and rather than punishing us that pain arises to reveal to us where we’ve not be in alignment with reality. In this case, the reality is that you ARE lovable for all that you are and you now have the opportunity to see where you still struggle to embrace this as true.

You are not your body. You are the consciousness housed by this precious body—this body that has been gifted to you in order to experience life for the short while that you are here. You are the one who is peering out from your eyes as you gaze at your body in the mirror. You are infinite, limitless, constant, love itself. This body you have will change over time, your weight will fluctuate, your skin will wrinkle and loosen and eventually this miraculous body will die. It is fleeting, precious, and it is the one you were given to play with and explore in this lifetime. It is not worth it to waste even a single moment thinking that this body defines your worth or to ponder over what is wrong with it. There are so many other wonderful ways to live your life, to create, to discover, to serve while you are here. Can you see from this perspective how futile it is to put so much energy into focusing on your body? What would it look like if you were fully cherishing your body and receiving it as the gift that it is? How would you care for your body and respect it as the powerful, magnificent tool that it is?

I encourage you to read this blog post for insights on ways to embrace your body: https://askthejoydiva.com/2013/02/25/im-afraid-to-be-naked-in-front-of-my-boyfriend-what-should-i-do/

And start seeking the power of your life beyond relationship, beyond how you look. There is so much to life, and so much life wanting to express through you.

Much love, Beautiful One.

:)Melissa A.K.A The JoyDiva

P.S. If you would like some additional support in taking a look, getting underneath, and transforming those painful thoughts and gaining clarity and freedom on your path, I would be honored to hold-up a loving mirror so that you can experience yourself in all of your magnificence and step into your power. Visit my website to schedule a free connection call so that we can explore what that could look like.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

How Can I Love Myself?

Dear JoyDiva

I am 23 years old, I have been in  a relationship with a man for 7 years and we broke up a over a year ago, 8 months ago I found this amazing man that I am with now; he makes me laugh and  I know we are going to go far but there is one thing that is hurting me.

When I was a teen I developed back acne and as I got older,  the scars remained…when my ex saw my back for the first time the  first thing he said was “Is it contagious?” and “What did you do to yourself?” as if it was my fault! He was the closest person to me and he made me feel like I had a disease. Ever since I have not been comfortable with my skin and I never show my back. I would like to be able to wear tank tops and dresses without having to wear a jacket on top, it’s hot! But the most thing I want is to be able to be happy naked around my current boyfriend.

Just a side note, I am chubby and that adds to my insecurities but he is a big man also so it is not the biggest issue but I still push his arms away from my tummy. He says he loves everything about me and he shows me a lot of love he always tries to make me love myself, he kisses my “thunder” thighs and my belly but I push him away. We have slept together and every time I refuse to take off my shirt, and if I do take it off the room must be pitch black because I don’t want him to see my skin.

I just want to be happy and not worry, I want to be able to sleep next to him and not panic over what he’s going to wake up to…my scarred back. I love him very very much and we have talked about engagement but I don’t know how I will manage to keep my body hidden for the rest of my life from the man I truly adore and just want to be free with.

How can I love myself JoyDiva, I have been crying every night and hiding those tears because I’m afraid if I do tell him he will ask to see my back…I just can’t do it.

Sincerely

Broken

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Dear Broken,

Hi, Honey. You’re not broken. You are a whole and complete person who is just experiencing herself as broken. The great news is that, over time, you CAN transform how you experience yourself.

So, you dated a guy (who was really just a grown-up boy) who blurted out his thoughts about your skin in ignorance because he didn’t get it, and likely was not mature enough to communicate in another way—not his most shining moment, I’m sure.:/

Here’s what I want you to notice, though: He said some things, and then because you’re human, you added meaning to it. And it’s the meaning you added that is causing your pain. You added meaning like “It’s my fault”…which I’m guessing led to “There’s something wrong with me,” “I’m ugly/unattractive/not sexy,” and “I’m unlovable.” And at some point you chose to believe those thoughts, which is what hurts so much—you can be certain that anytime you are having thoughts that hurt when you think them it is because they aren’t true.

Here’s the good news: Because it’s not what happened that hurts so much and rather it’s the meaning that YOU brought to it, you can actually do something about that. You’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to letting those thoughts run the show or not.

You ask me how you can love yourself. Here’s how: By courageously taking action as someone who loves herself, step-by-step, choice-by-choice. You’re going to have to take deep breaths and face your fears. That looks like catching yourself when you push his arms away from your tummy and letting him caress you there while you breathe and allow your fear to move through you, letting him kiss your belly and thighs without pushing him away while you breathe and allow your fear to move through you. That looks like taking off your shirt WITH the lights on while you breathe and allow your fear to move through you. That looks like wearing tank tops when it’s hot out, and wearing whatever damn-well feels good whenever and however you want to, all the while breathing and being present to the fear…and any other emotions that arise in your body.

Loving oneself is not a magical, wave-the-fairy-wand, overnight process. Everyday, I discover more parts of myself that I’ve rejected and have the opportunity to embrace. Girl, I don’t love myself! And I’m becoming someone who does. Loving yourself means facing the fears that you won’t be safe, you won’t be in control and you will lose approval. It means practicing, every day, doing the opposite of what the bully inside of you is telling you to do.

I get that it is scary. You probably didn’t want me to say, “Go do all of the things you’re afraid to do.” AND you asked me how you can love yourself. How blessed are you?! I’m showing you the path.

Your homeplay: Pull out a journal or pieces of paper and a pen/pencil. I want you to answer this question and explore it in all areas of your life: What would I be doing/what actions would I be taking if I were a person who loves herself? (Explore how you would be acting regarding relationship stuff and body stuff, yes, and also look at career, free-time, friendships, family, money, etc.) And then, start practicing. Take those actions, one at a time. And remember to breathe, Love. You’ve got this.

It is through that continual process that you become someone who loves herself.

Other posts that I’ve written that will also be supportive for you:

“How can I love myself past all of my fat rolls?”

“I’m afraid to be naked in front of my boyfriend. What should I do”?

If you would like some additional support in taking a look, getting underneath, and transforming those painful thoughts and gaining clarity and freedom on your path, I would be honored to hold-up a loving mirror so that you can experience yourself in all of your magnificence and step into your power. Visit my website to schedule a free connection call so that we can explore what that could look like.

Hugs to you and that sweet man in your life.

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2015 Melissa Simonson

How Can I Help My Ex?

Hello JoyDiva,

How can I help my ex? I was engaged to an amazing person that I have now been with for 6 years but recently he called off the engagement and said he needed to be by himself. It all started when he began having these really weird dreams about death. He is so frightened to go to sleep because he fears having the bad dreams. He says he has them everyday and they are completely draining him. He is not the happy person he was once in fact he hardly ever smiles. He feels tired and drained eveyday. I haven’t been able to tell my family that he did not want to marry me anymore because I just feel sad and embarrassed. The worst part is he still wants to be friends with me and he wants me to help him through this but it makes me sad and hurts me to just be his friend. He says he still loves me and wants me to be happy but as much as I have tried I can’t be happy knowing he does not want me as his wife anymore and that he is in pain. I do not know what to do. I don’t know how to help him, he has lost faith in god since his grandma died. I am completely drained by him. I want my fiance back and if he loves me then why did he push me away? How am I suppose to be able to make him happy again?

LostLeti

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Dear LostLeti,

Hi Honey. Thank you for reaching out to me and entrusting me with your tender heart. I recognize that you are experiencing a great deal of pain, right now, and it’s hard to know which way to turn. I’m going to start by breaking down your questions and responding as concisely as I can.

You ask, “How can I help my ex?” and later you ask “How am I suppose to be able to make him happy again?” And the answer that you already know deep down is this: His happiness is not your job. I understand that you love him and that after 6 years together, it is painful for you to stand by while he is suffering…AND he is the only one that can make himself happy again. In terms of helping him: I do hear that counseling support would be very beneficial to him. Having someone to help him get to the underlying emotional/psychological cause of his death dreams, having someone to support him in processing the grief over the death of his grandma, having someone to get clear on his path and discover/rediscover his passions, is key, right now. And I know that you want to be the one to fix him, right now, and you can’t–and the truth is, if you listen to your gut, you’ll recognize that you know you can’t, which is why any effort to do so is draining to you.

The question that your soul is longing for you to ask, right now, is: “How can I help myself?” It’s time to focus on you–time to grieve, to make space for all of the feelings that are arising for you, to embrace them with your presence and attention. Breathe and feel the feelings in your body. Helping your ex is just a way of distracting yourself from feeling your feelings, right now. The person who you now must help, is yourself. The person who you now must listen to is yourself. Your soul is screaming for your love and attention, for you to pursue YOU, to care for YOU, to stop abandoning yourself to get the love of this man.

The lie that your mind is telling you, right now, is that his walking away from your engagement is about you. This hurts so much, and you feel ashamed and embarrassed because there is an underlying belief that you did something wrong, that you are unlovable somehow and caused him to reject you. Your mind is telling you that he “rejected you,” “pushed you away,” and what he really did was recognize his need to take care of himself, right now. He cannot love himself, right now, and thus, cannot offer you the kind of relationship that you want and deserve to have at this time. Ending your engagement is not a rejection of you, it is an act of love, and probably took him great courage to speak up about. I don’t know him and I feel certain that experiencing the pain of seeing you hurting is the last thing he desired.

The pain and embarrassment you feel is because the future as you knew it and have planned for is no longer. It is it’s own death, the death of your dream. Suddenly, life as you knew it was altered and your mind doesn’t know how to cope with that; so it plays tricks on you. Your mind is telling you lies about how the future is “supposed” to look. Your mind is telling you that if you just help him be happy again then things can go back to how they used to be, how they “should” be. Your mind is playing over past conversations to find evidence, to figure out what could have gone differently, what was missing, somehow. This is causing you great pain.

It’s time to come back to you, here in this now moment, Sister, to love  you, and face your grief, your disillusionment over the loss of your dream. It’s time to let your family know so that they can support you. YOU need support, right now. The shame voice says that you cannot tell anyone, that it’s too embarrassing, that YOU are an embarrassment, a disappointment, somehow; and this is just not true, Sweetheart. I know that what you long for more than anything right now is to feel loved, and not alone. Tell your family. Let them love you through this. Reach out to friends. Let them support you. It’s time to let go. It’s time to practice exquisite self-care, to focus on things that empower and nourish you outside of your connection with this man.

No, now is not the time to be his friend. As I said, it is not your job to support him through this, and staying connected with him is muddying up your healing process, and distracting you both from yourselves. He needs to reach out to others in his life now, to seek counseling and connect with his family and friends, just as you need your own support network. You both need space to heal and move on with your lives. As painful as it is, it’s time to let go and trust life to run its course, to grow your own faith in God, knowing that even though this doesn’t feel fair or make sense and is excruciating, that you are being loved by this process, too. You may feel abandoned, right now, and make no mistake. God has not abandoned you. God has your back. It’s time to stop grasping for what was and surrender to what is. You will find great peace and freedom in that surrender.

I am, as it turns out, a kickass person to have in your corner when you are grieving, to help you reconnect with you and realign with your passion and purpose when the time is right. Visit my website, www.melissasimonson.com, to schedule a complimentary connection call. I would be honored to connect with you and explore what would open up for you and your life through a session together.

Some other of my posts that I encourage you to read for further support with your grief:

My husband left and I’m devastated. What do I do now?

Should I stay or walk away from my boyfriend?

Much love, Sister.

:)Melissa A.K.A The JoyDiva

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Should I End My Relationship…For Good?

Dear JoyDiva,

Please help? .. I just don’t know what to do?   I have recently split with my boyfriend again 3rd time over different issues.  He is very selfish,  a stress head,  and our personalities clash.   He always convinces me to get back . But nothing changes .  He tries but slips back into his selfish ways.  He says he loves me so much but each time we split gets back on dating sites immediately but comes straight back to me when it doesn’t work out… And I fall for it!!   He stays in touch with these women  as a back up  plan just in case we split again .  I’m trying to get over him but he keeps calling me telling me I’m the love of his life but I really can’t believe a word he says.   When we are together he is very loving and affectionate  but mainly sex based!  I  love him and would do anything for him but I think he’s just using me because he doesn’t want to be alone.?   So this time do I try to give him this one last chance or do I walk away for good?  Please help if you can ?

thank you,

  Joy

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Dear Joy,

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.

Honey, I’ve been there. I get it. Despite your awareness that this hurts and it’s draining your life-force, you crave the sweetness. You see the potential in him, you hear the promises, and you want that reality SO BAD. When you reconnect, when you feel him desiring you, it’s like magic. And what you can’t see clearly in the haze of all of the hormones rushing through your body is that this addictive relationship has you placing all of your power outside of yourself and forgetting the limitless being that you are.

It’s time to stop living inside the land of “someday” and start paying attention to who he is being in the here and now. You must ask yourself, “If he NEVER changed and was this man for the rest of his life, could I live with that? Do I love him for who he is now or for who he COULD be? Does this really work for me?” Based on your sharing with me above, I think we both know the answer to these questions if you are fully honest with yourself. Relationships only work when people are clear that they embrace all of each other—values, life-style choices, behaviors, love languages, dreams and goals, day-to-day interactions etc.—in the here and now.

And in the most loving way that I can, if I were sitting across from you, I would put my hands on your shoulders, look you straight in the eyes and say: YOU CAN WITHOUT A DOUBT HAVE WHATEVER KIND OF RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU TRULY WANT. This is your life, your dream. You run the show—why on earth, out of the billions of people living on this planet would you choose to settle in any way, shape or form? Your ego thinks you need this man’s love and approval and I know that it BURNS to walk away, AND it’s time to take some deep breaths, pull up your big-girl pants and move on down the road. It’s time to face the pain, walk through the fire and discover your freedom on the other side.

When you’re attached to someone like this, it’s no different than being addicted to a drug, and you have to approach this exactly like you would if you were breaking an addiction. NO CONTACT.  It won’t feel natural. It will hurt. Your mind will tell you you’re being unreasonable, that you’re being too harsh or mean. You will likely have cravings and heartache. And just like a heroine addict feels like they need that drug, you will feel like you need that hit of contact with him. And just like we clearly see that any hit of heroine is not healthy for the heroine addict, any hit of contact with this man is not healthy for you at this time. (..and not until you can interact with him from a place of emotional detachment, which will take continued space and time.)

And if his approval is the drug, consider him the drug-dealer.  He may pull out all of the stops to convince you that you need his love and approval (and Honey, what he’s offering isn’t even real love). This is a lessen in boundaries for you. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not he is in your life. YOU do. You are the one who gets to pick and choose who enters into your life, who gets the precious gift of your time, your love, your presence, your body. It’s time to get clear on your standards—make a list of your bottom-lines, what qualities must be there, what absolutely does not work for you in a relationship—and then, stick to it. Get acquainted with the word NO…(or better yet, HELL NO.🙂 )

As a former goddess of giving in, I am the perfect person to give you this advice, because I was part of that vicious cycle for a very long time in my life, again and again. Craving the love and connection, compromising my boundaries, going back on my word to myself for the sake of another. And then after enough damn heartache, I got it. I’m continuing to get it more and more each day. And I’m now on the other side of the pain, and it is an experience of true freedom, true power, true love. We can have anything we want in life if we are willing to develop the self-discipline it takes to settle for nothing less.

You can do this, Sister. You are strong enough. This will require you to call forth your courage in the moments when the grief hits. Reach out to your girlfriends for comfort and connection. Start exploring and taking action on YOUR passions (what lights you up beyond this man? What are those deep-down dreams just waiting for you to act on them?) Practice amazing self-care—whatever, has you feeling loved and held. Take walks. Take Baths or long showers. Journal. Dance. Cry. Nap. Buy some essential oils. Make yummy, healthy meals for yourself. Exercise. Paint your nails, dress in ways that make you feel beautiful…

Whatever you need to do to feel good in your own skin, it’s time to amp that up now. Start making new memories in your own life that overshadow the memories of your relationship. With each step you take in pursuing yourself and your own life, you will feel a little more distance, a little more healing and a little more freedom from your past with this man. One day, you will look back and it will all be a story from another lifetime.

And if you are struggling to know what lights you up outside of your relationship, struggling to know how to go about pursuing your dreams–I am so here for you! Visit my website, and we’ll schedule a session and get you fully clear and empowered on your path.

Loving you today from Brooklyn, NY and rooting for you, every step of the way.

xo,

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2015 Melissa Simonson

How Can I Love Myself Past All of My Fat Rolls?

Hello JoyDiva

   I am currently in a relationship and have been for 15 months. He has been away but soon he will be coming home and we will finally be able to become intimate with one another. I really cant wait until this happens but at the same time I am nervous because I am a bigger girl and the biggest girl he has ever been with and not only that but I have a problem with my bladder that causes it to leak. Maybe from my three children that I have but I have consulted a doctor and we are currently working on something for this but in the meantime I dont want him to come home and go down on me and just when I thought that I had freshened up really good he may still smell urine on me and say something. He does know about this problem but Im just not sure how to handle this. How can I love myself past all my fat rolls? Please help me.

Need Confidence

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Dear, Need Confidence,

Hi, Sweetheart. It takes tremendous courage to open yourself to love, to let yourself be seen…both on the inside and the outside. Being willing to put yourself and your heart all the way out their is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I want to honor you for your willingness to be vulnerable, even though your mind is terrified of the risk involved in sharing yourself so fully with another. As scary as it feels, sharing yourself so authentically is the path to true connection and intimacy.

Take a few deep breaths, right now, Love, and pull out a piece of paper or a journal, if you have one. I want you to read over what you wrote me and then I invite you to answer this question: What would a person who loves herself do? Really listen for the answer—imagine another woman who loves herself so utterly and has the same fat rolls and bladder leaks. What would she communicate to her partner? What would she say to herself? How would she operate in the bedroom? How would she operate in her everyday life? How would she operate in her relationship? How would she respond if her partner mentioned that she smelled like urine or that she was too fat to be sexy? Explore all of these questions fully. Write down your responses.

The only way to become someone who loves herself is to take the actions of someone who loves herself. This means facing some big fears head on. A big one here is that you are afraid of losing your boyfriend’s love and approval. Your ego has you convinced that you need it in order to be worth something, which is why you’re so focused on how to “handle” this situation, trying to be perfect and “get it right” to get the love. And deep down, if you listen to your soul’s wisdom, you’ll recognize that line of thinking is bullshit. As scary as it is to face, you do not need anyone’s love and approval. Your fear that he will reject you somehow is only a mirror for you to see how you are already rejecting yourself. You cannot control whether or not your boyfriend embraces you for all that you are. You CAN practice, bit by bit, embracing yourself for all that you are.

So, imagine your worst fear comes true: Your boyfriend rejects you. Now, again, answer this question: What would a person who loves herself do? How would you respond if you KNEW that you did not need his love and approval?

I get that your body isn’t functioning in all of the ways that you would like it to, AND I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with you, Beloved. Imagine speaking to yourself as someone who is deeply and unconditionally in love with you—what is it that you most need to hear, right now? Write it down. Speak it to yourself.

With every moment that you ask the question, “What would a person who loves herself do?” and listen and ACT on what you discover…you become a person who loves herself. This will not happen over night, and I promise, with actively committing to asking and acting on this question, choice by choice, it will happen.

Thank you for honoring me with your story. Notice how even now as you read this and  accept my invitations to look deeper, you are becoming a person who loves herself.

Always in your corner,

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

P.S. If you would like some additional support in taking a look, getting underneath, and transforming those painful thoughts and gaining clarity and freedom on your path, I would be honored to hold-up a loving mirror so that you can experience yourself in all of your magnificence and step into your power. Visit my website to schedule a free connection call so that we can explore what that could look like.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Criticizing My Boyfriend and Feeling Confused…What Should I Do?

Hi JoyDiva,

My new boyfriend is so kind and sweet but I feel myself picking on him constantly and criticizing him constantly. I don’t like who I become. I have so much fear that it will end sometimes and then other times I fear that I will end up with him and he is the wrong man who will bore me and disappoint me. He is so devoted, tall, fairly handsome, successful, sensual, laid back, open minded.  I feel very confused.

Open Hearted in Canada

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Dear Open Hearted in Canada,

My advice to you is not going to be much different than what I offer the other lovely souls who have reached out to me through the years: It’s time to put your focus on that which excites you outside of your relationship.

Boredom, disappointment, anxiety, judgement, criticism—all of that can find a happy home within us when we are looking outside of ourselves to generate our happiness and feeling disconnected from our own purpose. What do YOU want to do with your life? How do YOU want to spend your time? What lights YOU up/fulfills you/gives you a sense of accomplishment? What is the gift that you want to offer to those around you?

No man can make you bored or disappointed, nor enlivened and fulfilled. If you’re worried about being bored and disappointed, it’s time to take a look at all of the actions you are avoiding taking on your own path. It can be all too easy to distract ourselves by over-focusing on our romantic relationships rather than facing what there is to face within ourselves and our own lives.

When we take the risk to pursue all that we love, we are pursued by all that we love. When you dive into your own self-care, when you cultivate personal goals and move toward them, when you take care of yourself body, mind and spirit and align with causes/activities that matter to you, you become irresistibly radiant with a joy you are generating from within, and opportunities, love resources, etc. flow to you with ease. When we are happy within our own skin and with the lives we are creating, our relationships become clear, and we don’t have energy to waste on nit-picking or over-analysis—about ourselves OR others.

Pursue that which nourishes you and makes you come alive and you will KNOW the place this relationship is meant to have in your life—and chances are good that you’ll either simply find yourself appreciating him a whole lot more or knowing with clarity that he’s not a right match. Either way, the solution you seek lies in pursuing YOURSELF and your own life, rather than focusing on your relationship for your answers.

Struggling to connect with what lights you up…or feeling stopped in taking action? I’m in your corner—don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a one-on-one Soul-Purpose Astrology Session. I would be honored to support you in bringing the focus lovingly back to you and that which will create fulfillment for you.

All my love!

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2014 Melissa Simonson

I’m Sad When I’m Not With My Fiance…What Do I Do?

Dear JoyDiva,
   I have been with my fiance for 5 years now and I love him. The problem is that lately I haven’t been able to see him as much and it makes me sad. He recently started his own company and is trying to make it work, as well as, he is trying to balance school. I know that is a lot to handle but I don’t know why I have been recently getting very upset. I feel really sad when I don’t see him like lonely and depressed and I have doubts about his love. I feel like he will stop loving me and I will be left alone with my heart crushed.
   It has not always been this way, it started recently. I feel really sad like I am empty inside and when I see him I forget about it until he is ready to leave home and again the sadness starts. I wish I could be anywhere but home (I live with my parents). My sister just got married and my parents get along very well with her new husband. I feel left out like my fiance is not that good in their eyes. It makes me feel so sad inside. I don’t know what to do or how I should feel around. He has shown me that he loves me time after time and I know I truly love him and want him in my future. I don’t understand why I feel like this. Please help.

Sincerely,
LetiShining

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Hi Love,

My response is simple: It’s time to focus on yourself and your own life.

Right now, your world is very built up around him and your relationship, and now that he is invested in his company and school (Yay for him!), you are experiencing a shift in how much presence and attention he has for you. It’s time for you to discover what lights you up in your own world and pour your presence and attention there. What lights you up, Sister? What are you passionate about? What kinds of self-care practices make you feel really yummy and loved up?

You crave attention because you have been so focused on your relationship with him as the source of your happiness that you have become absent from yourself. Those of us with a feminine core thrive on presence and attention and we commonly make the mistake of thinking that this needs to come from our partner. As long as you think that you need this from him, all you will see is what he isn’t giving you and thus begins the shaming, blaming and feelings of emptiness. He will feel frustrated and unappreciated and you will continue to crave what he cannot give.

This lovely man in your life is pursuing what matters to him! YES! Now it’s your turn. I promise that when you focus on you, and pursue yourself with the level of devotion you’ve focused on this relationship, you will create the space to see him for the loving man that he is again. Right now, you are just far too attached and stuck in story about the relationship to see him OR you for who you really are. When you choose to focus your attention on pursuing what lights you up, you create room for the relationship to breathe, and then your fiance gets to show up as he is and you will be able to appreciate him as the gift that he is without needing anything from him. When you create a life that you love, the relationship gets to be the icing on the cake rather than the whole cake.

Your homeplay: Make a list of activities that nurture you and excite you. Make a list of the things that you really want to do that scare you a little bit (or a lot). When you start getting wrapped up in thoughts about your fiance and the relationship, stop. Breathe. Think to yourself, “I am so frickin’ beautiful and lovable!” and then pick something from these lists and get into action. I want you to practice ridiculous amounts of self-care and start moving toward your own kickass goals.

It’s time to focus on everything else in your life that is juicy and give your relationship a rest, and I promise you’ll be back to appreciating both yourself and that sweet man in your life like you just met last week.

If you are struggling to connect with what lights you up and would like more clarity on your soul purpose and where to focus your time and attention, I would love to meet with you. I’ll give you a Soul Purpose Astrology session that will have you aligned, on fire, and clear on the actions to be taking to create a life that you love.  Send me an email and I’m happy to set up a free connection call to talk with you about what that could look like.

With all my love,

:)Melissa AKA The JoyDiva