Why is it so hard for me to accept that my boyfriend loves me? I have met the perfect man. He is kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny and generous. He tells me that he loves me, that I’m beautiful and that I make him smile every day. My problem is that I don’t believe him. There’s absolutely nothing that he has done to make me feel that his love is not true. Why can’t I accept that he loves me? Why do I have to question it? Why can’t I be comfortable knowing that he loves me? Of course, that leads me to me next dilemma. When is he going to stop loving me? I have a feeling it may be when I begin to annoy him with all these insecurities! Thanks for your help.
I’m so happy to hear that you have found someone who is so good at loving you up–it sounds like he is a wonderful mirror for you right now of your own kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny, and generous self. You, of course, wouldn’t appreciate these qualities about HIM so much if they weren’t values living inside of you, as well. He is no more or less perfect that you are, my dear.
His love is also a wonderful mirror for you to take a look at the beliefs you have about yourself that are keeping you from experiencing the love that you long for. You are right, Dear Heart in recognizing that it’s nothing to do with him and everything to do with your thoughts. I want to turn your question around on you and have you think on this for a moment–When he tells you he loves you and whispers all of the sweet nothings that you’ve longed to hear, what are the thoughts that come up that keep you from accepting it? Somewhere underneath there I would imagine are some thoughts along the lines of: you need his love in order to be happy, that you can’t trust love to be there–that you cannot trust him, or anyone for that matter, and that oh yes, you might not actually be worthy of receiving the love that you believe you need so much in the first place. What did you DO to make him love you so much, and uh oh, what are you going to DO to screw it up? How could you, all by yourself, without doing anything other than being you, possibly be worthy of such kindness? I realize that it can hurt to own some of these thoughts, but the more honest you can be with these thoughts, the more healing…and love can start to flow in their place.
The truth is that love has nothing to do with what we do or how worthy we are or not–and it never comes from “that person” or “out there.” Right now, the idea of losing his love feels so scary because your mind has pulled you away from one very essential truth: You source your own love. You feel afraid of losing his love because you are putting all of your love-generating capacity outside of yourself and onto him. When we fall in love, we aren’t just falling in love with the other person, we are falling in love with who we are in the other person’s eyes. We are falling in love with our own reflection. Of course that feels good! The cool thing is that underneath all of these thoughts that make you feel badly about yourself, you have the full capacity to simply look within and decide to fall in love–other people are just icing on that cake. I want you to look at the following thoughts and list at least 3 ways that they are true with regard to this relationship and beyond:
“I need MY love.”
“I do not trust MYSELF.”
“I could leave MYSELF.”
Your trust for him and your ability to receive his love will grow in relationship to your ability to trust and love yourself. Look at all of the wonderful juiciness in your life that you are creating ALL BY YOURSELF. In what ways do you step away from yourself and all of the juiciness in your life when you start believing that he might leave and that you can’t live without his love? Those are moments to come back to yourself, to spend some really juicy YOU time, to remind yourself that YOU will never leave you, that you will always be there to provide all that you need. In what ways can you become the most loving and reliable lover that you can ever possibly imagine…to yourself? I want to share a poem with you that I think is good medicine for you, right now. It is called “I Don’t Trust You” and was written by a lovely woman named Natalie Chalmers.
I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of all burden to meet my expectations.
To be anyone I need you to be in order to feel safe.
I don’t trust you and I don’t expect you to trust me.
I relieve myself of all burden to be who you think I am.
And I open my heart as wide as I feel I can.
And that part of me still behind the curtain of
old paradigm beliefs and thoughts
looks to see if you have too.
And I feel happy when I think you have.
And sad when I think you haven’t.
And I tremble with anxiety when I think I have and you haven’t.
And then I remember.
I don’t trust you.
I don’t need to trust you.
My heart is not a fragile thing made of glass.
It is strong beyond all knowing.
It can open wide enough for the whole world to flow through it.
And it takes nothing from me, even when I give it all.
Because Love flows through my heart.
A stream of energy that I can’t keep.
Can’t hold tight onto it.
Energy in motion.
And every break it has ever had
has only been there to tear it wider.
To open it more.
To expand it so that even more Love can flow through it.
I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of the burden to approve of me,
because I am already Accepted.
I relieve you of the burden to love me,
because I am already Loved.
But I invite you in to share my love.
Share in my sharing.
To play with this flow that bounces between people
As they wax and wane in connection.
I don’t trust you and you needn’t trust me.
Only share what is True for you
And I will do the same.
I don’t trust you.
But I trust myself wholly
to be able to handle anything that
Life can ever bring to me.
Be patient with this process–you deserve the utmost gentleness from yourself as you slowly release your grip around these thoughts that have caused you such fear and pain. I celebrate you as you open yourself bit by bit to discover how infinite that love truly is.
My love to you and that sweet man in your life,
:)Melissa A.K.A the JoyDiva
P.S. Visit my website, www.melissasimonson.com, to schedule a complimentary connection call. I would be honored to connect with you and explore what would open up for you and your life through a session together. xo
©2012 Melissa Simonson
Thanks, Amy! Bless you.
This just helped me so much. Thank you for writing it. I have a new amazing boyfriend and I can’t believe he likes me because he’s so wonderful. I’m not alone in this. I am working on loving myself. Thank you thank you thank you.
One of my favorite quotations that I am holding close to my own heart right now comes from Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, “Fear is excitement without the breath.” As the fear creeps in with your new found awesomeness, just remember to breath and feel your heart expanding to fill you with goodness and then, let it go. With every simple breath you can expand your capacity to receive goodness from yourself and the world around you. Remember that you can have everything that you ever wanted when you choose to give it to yourself–by saying no to anything that does not feel like a yes within your heart, by having patience for what you do want to present itself, and then by saying YES! to that which brings you alive. You deserve Mr. Wonderful AND you deserve to be true to your own heart…and you get to have both as you continue to honor yourself!
You are never alone. You are always supported. You are always loved. Celebrating you and your new expansion! xo :)Melissa
Pingback: Bullied as a Child: How Can I Trust in Intimate Relationships? | Ask the JoyDiva™
I have the same problem i got this wonderfull guy in my life n he tells me he loves me all the time but i just cant accept it! After i read this i did feel a lot better n i realize its true i need to start loving myself to accept that other people can love me too! Thanks
Bless you, Yolanda. I encourage you to check out my upcoming program: http://www.28daysofselflove.com as a great option to start practicing self-love every day. xo
Thank you so much Melissa. I am sitting at my desk as my wonderful boyfriend sleeps behind me, unable to join him for fear of asserting my insecurities. That’s so true, what the poem said about love being an energy that flows…an energy that cannot be caught. I have moved a lot in my young life and am coming to realise that I avoid spreading roots as a result…I think I make a subconscious effort not to get close to people. I am afraid of how much I love my boyfriend and I think even more afraid of him loving me. I simply can’t accept it.
I love this omg amazing!!!!
Much love to you, Karen. xo
This is ever so helpful. I’ve had bad past experiences and it’s hard to accept that someone really cares for me and loves me like he says he does I’m just so scared to loose him and it feels that I’m pushing him away because of it.
So, here I am sitting at my desk at work, bawling my eyes out. I didn’t know exactly what I was searching for but some how I found this and it was exactly what I needed. Thank you, you wonderful stranger.
You are welcome, My Love. I’m here for you if you need anything–feel free to reach out with questions or to request a free connection call to talk about how I might support you. xo Melissa AKA The JoyDiva
Pingback: Love yourself at first | Pantera @ Spotlife
This really helped me and that poem was a blessing. Thank you!
You are so very welcome, Love. xo :)Melissa AKA TheJoyDiva
Hi Melissa – this.was.lovely.
I can’t tell you how much I too, have struggled with this very question. I found and lost a great love this year. We are in a very difficult situation that makes being together, nearly impossible. With all the goodbyes, we seem to always come back. And it hurts so much – because I know that there will almost certainly be another goodbye. Each time we do, I go through about 2 or 3 days of hard, nearly debiliatating anxiety – because I have convinced myself somehow, that he must not love me. The stories are terrible and logically, I know them to be bollucks.There is no proof and in fact, the ample evidence would suggest that I am richly, deeply and beautifully loved by him. Circumstances. 😦
I wish I could just miss him, wish him love, love myself – and let go – but the pain of feeling unloved – is well – so sad and hard.
Anyway, thank you. I am printing this whole thread and keeping it close to me. You are a treasure – the way you have connected and responded to people on this thread and to the lovely woman in the first letter. You get it. ❤
Beautiful, Autumn. You are so welcome–thank you for your words of appreciation and for sharing a little of your own journey here. I, too, am going through my own grief, right now, so as is always the case, your words come at the perfect time. I’ve come to learn that I only ever write and speak to another what I am also learning myself.
So, I invite you to notice that there is great freedom on the other side of the pain of feeling unloved. When you can be with that pain fully without trying to run from it, run toward him, try to control outcomes etc…you will discover your power. And as you know deep down inside, you are a powerful, limitless being–your own kind of love generator. I encourage you to take space and focus your amazing loving presence toward yourself…pursue yourself with all of your love and you become an opening to receive that love fully from others. You so deserve the gift of your full presence and attention–when you seek it from outside of yourself, you rob yourself of that gift. So yes, show up for yourself in all of the ways that I mention in the above post, and above all, be gentle with yourself and him. This from my friend Bryan Reeves:
“We are all innocent in our ignorance. If we really knew how to do any better than we’re already doing, don’t you think we’d do it? So be kind to yourself out there. Be kind to those innocent others in your midst, too. They don’t have any more of a clue than you do, no matter what they tell you. What a crazy comedy this life is.”
Blessings, Dear Heart.
:)Melissa AKA The JoyDiva
After a failed 23 year marriage, I finally found someone who truly loves me. Why is it so hard to believe that he loves me? I have so many reasons, but they’re all based on past heartaches that he has nothing to do with. He is an absolutely amazing man and he genuinely loves me – I know this! But I, too, have trouble just letting my heart believe it, and living with peace in my heart and without constant fear of him leaving me. I can totally relate to her feelings and know these same doubts just as much. (I could say she took the words right out of my mouth) I know I need to move forward, stop looking in the past and just let him love me and stop worrying. Here’s to the prayer that all women who have walked in this lonely valley will find peace and finally stop worrying, stop fearing and just enjoy the man God put in your life to love you like you deserve. Thanks for the post and your advice. I NEEDED to find this so very much today.
Thank you so much for this. Your words, the poem, and all these lovely people’s stories really spoke to me. It is such a relief to know that I am not alone, and that there are other people with a journey as complicated and sad and just as beautiful as mine. I will definitely be reading this over and over again, and remind myself of this in rainy days.
i just wanted to say that your reply was beautiful melissa, it ment a lot to me and the poem is something ill remember forever and pass along.
I also just found this haven and am so blessed to have seen I’m not alone and find a beautiful place to escape too. Melissa thank you so very much from my heart for this thread. All what you’ve said and written is so poetic and true. And all you lovely wonderful beings sharing your thoughts feelings and emotions I thank you also. This has truly been a helpful awakening for me.
I actually suffer with mental health. Specifically borderline personality disorder. Trust me it’s a nightmare. I was told I suffer this due to trauma abandonment and abuse throughout my childhood and life. And I’ve lost friendships, family and loved ones through it. I’m fortunately getting help for it finally but still I’ve been told there is no cure. Just learning coping mechanisms to help have a normalised life.
But hearing these healing words of insight have given me hope.
Thank you all so much.
You truly are all angels