Tag Archives: Coping with Loss

Should I End My Relationship…For Good?

Dear JoyDiva,

Please help? .. I just don’t know what to do?   I have recently split with my boyfriend again 3rd time over different issues.  He is very selfish,  a stress head,  and our personalities clash.   He always convinces me to get back . But nothing changes .  He tries but slips back into his selfish ways.  He says he loves me so much but each time we split gets back on dating sites immediately but comes straight back to me when it doesn’t work out… And I fall for it!!   He stays in touch with these women  as a back up  plan just in case we split again .  I’m trying to get over him but he keeps calling me telling me I’m the love of his life but I really can’t believe a word he says.   When we are together he is very loving and affectionate  but mainly sex based!  I  love him and would do anything for him but I think he’s just using me because he doesn’t want to be alone.?   So this time do I try to give him this one last chance or do I walk away for good?  Please help if you can ?

thank you,

  Joy

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Dear Joy,

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.

Honey, I’ve been there. I get it. Despite your awareness that this hurts and it’s draining your life-force, you crave the sweetness. You see the potential in him, you hear the promises, and you want that reality SO BAD. When you reconnect, when you feel him desiring you, it’s like magic. And what you can’t see clearly in the haze of all of the hormones rushing through your body is that this addictive relationship has you placing all of your power outside of yourself and forgetting the limitless being that you are.

It’s time to stop living inside the land of “someday” and start paying attention to who he is being in the here and now. You must ask yourself, “If he NEVER changed and was this man for the rest of his life, could I live with that? Do I love him for who he is now or for who he COULD be? Does this really work for me?” Based on your sharing with me above, I think we both know the answer to these questions if you are fully honest with yourself. Relationships only work when people are clear that they embrace all of each other—values, life-style choices, behaviors, love languages, dreams and goals, day-to-day interactions etc.—in the here and now.

And in the most loving way that I can, if I were sitting across from you, I would put my hands on your shoulders, look you straight in the eyes and say: YOU CAN WITHOUT A DOUBT HAVE WHATEVER KIND OF RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU TRULY WANT. This is your life, your dream. You run the show—why on earth, out of the billions of people living on this planet would you choose to settle in any way, shape or form? Your ego thinks you need this man’s love and approval and I know that it BURNS to walk away, AND it’s time to take some deep breaths, pull up your big-girl pants and move on down the road. It’s time to face the pain, walk through the fire and discover your freedom on the other side.

When you’re attached to someone like this, it’s no different than being addicted to a drug, and you have to approach this exactly like you would if you were breaking an addiction. NO CONTACT.  It won’t feel natural. It will hurt. Your mind will tell you you’re being unreasonable, that you’re being too harsh or mean. You will likely have cravings and heartache. And just like a heroine addict feels like they need that drug, you will feel like you need that hit of contact with him. And just like we clearly see that any hit of heroine is not healthy for the heroine addict, any hit of contact with this man is not healthy for you at this time. (..and not until you can interact with him from a place of emotional detachment, which will take continued space and time.)

And if his approval is the drug, consider him the drug-dealer.  He may pull out all of the stops to convince you that you need his love and approval (and Honey, what he’s offering isn’t even real love). This is a lessen in boundaries for you. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not he is in your life. YOU do. You are the one who gets to pick and choose who enters into your life, who gets the precious gift of your time, your love, your presence, your body. It’s time to get clear on your standards—make a list of your bottom-lines, what qualities must be there, what absolutely does not work for you in a relationship—and then, stick to it. Get acquainted with the word NO…(or better yet, HELL NO. 🙂 )

As a former goddess of giving in, I am the perfect person to give you this advice, because I was part of that vicious cycle for a very long time in my life, again and again. Craving the love and connection, compromising my boundaries, going back on my word to myself for the sake of another. And then after enough damn heartache, I got it. I’m continuing to get it more and more each day. And I’m now on the other side of the pain, and it is an experience of true freedom, true power, true love. We can have anything we want in life if we are willing to develop the self-discipline it takes to settle for nothing less.

You can do this, Sister. You are strong enough. This will require you to call forth your courage in the moments when the grief hits. Reach out to your girlfriends for comfort and connection. Start exploring and taking action on YOUR passions (what lights you up beyond this man? What are those deep-down dreams just waiting for you to act on them?) Practice amazing self-care—whatever, has you feeling loved and held. Take walks. Take Baths or long showers. Journal. Dance. Cry. Nap. Buy some essential oils. Make yummy, healthy meals for yourself. Exercise. Paint your nails, dress in ways that make you feel beautiful…

Whatever you need to do to feel good in your own skin, it’s time to amp that up now. Start making new memories in your own life that overshadow the memories of your relationship. With each step you take in pursuing yourself and your own life, you will feel a little more distance, a little more healing and a little more freedom from your past with this man. One day, you will look back and it will all be a story from another lifetime.

And if you are struggling to know what lights you up outside of your relationship, struggling to know how to go about pursuing your dreams–I am so here for you! Visit my website, and we’ll schedule a session and get you fully clear and empowered on your path.

Loving you today from Brooklyn, NY and rooting for you, every step of the way.

xo,

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2015 Melissa Simonson

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My Husband Left and I’m Devastated…What Do I Do Now?

Dear JoyDiva,

I’m in a relationship for 13 years. My common law husband migrated to Canada and though he is far, our communication is constant. We have a daughter and allowance and support was never a problem. And we agreed that after he saves up enough money, he’ll come home and marry me so that we’ll be together as family in Canada. For no reason at all, last December 2012, supposed to be our 13th anniversary, he suddenly stopped replying to my calls and texts. Then, two weeks after, I saw a picture in his Skype account with another woman. And my world crashed. I have no idea what happened. I never saw it coming. There’s no indication that he already had found someone new. Now, I’m so depressed and down. I don’t know what to do. He was my world and my future. I love him more than myself up to now. What should I do? How long do you think can I move on? What’s the best thing to do for me to move on cause I’m really having a hard time to let go? I still don’t want to burn my bridges with him and his family. Should I still hope that there’s still hope for us even just for our daughter cause I really want her to have a complete family? Please help me. Thanks.

Rose

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Dearest Rose,

Hi, Sweetheart. I’m sending love to your tender heart, right now. I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain as you try to make sense of this confusing situation and scramble to pick up the pieces of your shattered dreams. I know this pain very, very well, and there is no other pain like it. Let’s take some deep breaths together, right now. Take a nice deep breath in, and let it out. Though it may seem simple, remembering to pause and take deep breaths is going to be an important part of moving through this transformational journey.

I can’t speak of him or your relationship, what he is or isn’t doing because there are too many gaps in information for me—I hope that if it hasn’t happened yet, that you are able to address what you saw and receive an honest answer from him. Whether he has or has not been in communication with you at this point in time, what I can speak of is how you can nurture your relationship with yourself, and support you in picking up the pieces. What I’m going to say is not going to take away the pain—grief is a fire that has to burn a new path through your life right now, and there will be days that seem unbearable, and then, day by day, as you take gentle care of yourself, the pain will start to diminish, and freedom will be born in its place.

I want you to know that you are loved by every process unfolding in your life. Even this time that has you raw and on your knees is being offered up as an opportunity for you to discover what it means to really love yourself and pursue a life that fills you up and makes you come alive. Your statement that you “loved him more than [yourself] up to now” is telling me that you have not been pursuing yourself and your own life with the passion you deserve. Sweet Rose, despite the false messages we ladies receive through the years, it is not noble or even healthy to love another more than ourselves, to be so consumed in our loving that we neglect ourselves and our own unique expression in the world. Know that your loving is a tremendous and beautiful gift to the world that has not been in vain. It’s just time to focus that tremendous loving on yourself and your daughter now.

There is no magic formula to make your grief go away, and there is no set amount of time for the process, either. Ways to nurture yourself right now:

1) There are 5 stages of loss that are a natural part of your journey right now: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. You will find yourself swinging among these with each day that passes. Allow yourself to feel it all—journal, cry it out, purge, write down everything that you feel you have lost and are losing—revisit this process as often as you need to and make good friends with those intense feelings, as hard as that may be. I’d encourage you to be aware that you may want to lash out on the days that the anger phase comes up and you may also be incredibly angry at yourself, at times. These are days when it’s important that you write, and do not send letters to your former partner because, as you wisely mentioned, burning bridges may not be what you want in the long term. That doesn’t mean that there may not be a moment of clarity when you need to speak your mind with him—by all means, you have a right to be pissed off and hurting! It just means that those intensely emotional days are going to be days when you want something from him that he may not be able to give.  Be aware that the bargaining phase is often one of the most difficult—this is the phase that I call “I’ll send you my left arm if you just take me back” phase. In your devastation and the deep sense of rejection that you feel it can be so easy to be willing to sacrifice all to make the pain go away. Those are the days when you need to keep yourself busy—take good care of your body, as hard as it is–pursue things that you normally enjoy, pour your heart into being present for your daughter, and my next point:

2) Surround yourself with friends and loved ones as much as possible, right now. Reach out—go out to lunch/dinner or have them over. Make sure that you don’t have too many days to get trapped in your head and that you get out into the world. Allow yourself to receive support as much as possible, to feel uplifted and surrounded in love. This means being honest with yourself and your loved ones about what you are feeling and experiencing day-to-day and having support systems to uplift you with words, time, deeds when you cannot do it yourself. One of the greatest gifts of grief is its ability to bring us close to the people who truly matter in our lives. There is so much magic there—allow yourself to rest within that as much as possible.

3) I don’t know how old that your daughter is, but it’s going to be really important that you are also being real with her about your tender heart on a level that she can understand, right now. This does not mean bad-mouthing her father or making her responsible for your happiness—you can share your feelings without making him wrong or making her feel like she needs to make it better. This means showing her the strength that lies in vulnerability by sharing your feelings and communicating with her the ways that you are taking care of yourself, right now. This means letting her know why you might be cranky or sad or needing some alone time. No matter how old or young she is, this is a wonderful opportunity for her to learn about how to cope with life’s inevitable loss and what it looks like for a woman to love herself. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it weren’t for my mother sharing her growth journey with me and being so real with her feelings and what she needed following my parents divorce when I was 7 years old. I remember thinking that she was so beautiful and strong when she let herself cry, and it was a great gift to me as she shared her learning.

4) When you have a reprieve from the bring-you-to-your-knees level of pain, when you’ve really purged and come face to face with the weight of what you’ve lost, I want you to start thinking about what you want your life to look like (beyond your partner). What are some things that you couldn’t do before that you now have the opportunity to do? If you could craft any life for yourself from this point forward what would you like it to look like? Do not rush yourself to this point before you are ready—it’s important that you be with the experience of loss as it arises. With that said, many people spend so much time looking at the closed door that they intensify their suffering and ignore the abundance of opportunities that lie before them. When you start to feel ready, I want you to start exploring what kinds of seeds you want to plant in your new garden. This chance to build a whole new beautiful life will ultimately be the extraordinary gift of this great loss.

As far as whether or not you should hope for the relationship: Now is a time to focus on you and your daughter and not on your relationship with him. I would absolutely hope that he will continue to be a father to his daughter, but that does not mean that you should or need to be in relationship with him in order for him to be in her life.  Also, as I mentioned above, you now have the opportunity to show her a strong woman who loves herself and a NEW kind of completeness. I understand that you want her to grow up with her parents being together, and that may not be possible or a healthy choice for any of you in the long run. It is not healthy for her to witness her mother pursuing a man who is not acting in integrity. You, my dear, deserve a man who will cherish you for all that you are, and abandoning yourself and chasing after a man who is not cherishing you is not teaching your daughter how to be the strong woman that you want her to be someday. Now is the time to start pursuing yourself, your own dreams, your own beauty with the passion that you were pursuing your relationship with him. Cherish yourself in all of the ways that he could not, and you will feel loved in a way that you may have never before.

You deserve to have  and to give yourself everything that you’ve ever wanted in life—I know that you thought he would be part of that picture, but there is a much better life awaiting you on the other side of this grief. One foot in front of the other, right now, and know that you are so very loved every step of the way.

All my love,

Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2013 Melissa Simonson