Tag Archives: You are a goddess

Why Is It So Hard for Me to Accept That My Boyfriend Loves Me?

Posted on January 18, 2012 | 23 comments

Dear JoyDiva,

Why is it so hard for me to accept that my boyfriend loves me? I have met the perfect man. He is kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny and generous. He tells me that he loves me, that I’m beautiful and that I make him smile every day. My problem is that I don’t believe him. There’s absolutely nothing that he has done to make me feel that his love is not true. Why can’t I accept that he loves me? Why do I have to question it? Why can’t I be comfortable knowing that he loves me? Of course, that leads me to me next dilemma. When is he going to stop loving me? I have a feeling it may be when I begin to annoy him with all these insecurities! Thanks for your help.

Julie

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Dearest Julie,

I’m so happy to hear that you have found someone who is so good at loving you up–it sounds like he is a wonderful mirror for you right now of your own kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny, and generous self. You, of course, wouldn’t appreciate these qualities about HIM so much if they weren’t values living inside of you, as well. He is no more or less perfect that you are, my dear.

His love is also a wonderful mirror for you to take a look at the beliefs you have about yourself that are keeping you from experiencing the love that you long for. You are right, Dear Heart in recognizing that it’s nothing to do with him and everything to do with your thoughts. I want to turn your question around on you and have you think on this for a moment–When he tells you he loves you and whispers all of the sweet nothings that you’ve longed to hear, what are the thoughts that come up that keep you from accepting it? Somewhere underneath there I would imagine are some thoughts along the lines of: you need his love in order to be happy, that you can’t trust love to be there–that you cannot trust him, or anyone for that matter, and that oh yes, you might not actually be worthy of receiving the love that you believe you need so much in the first place. What did you DO to make him love you so much, and uh oh, what are you going to DO to screw it up? How could you, all by yourself, without doing anything other than being you, possibly be worthy of such kindness? I realize that it can hurt to own some of these thoughts, but the more honest you can be with these thoughts, the more healing…and love can start to flow in their place.

The truth is that love has nothing to do with what we do or how worthy we are or not–and it never comes from “that person” or “out there.” Right now, the idea of losing his love feels so scary because your mind has pulled you away from one very essential truth: You source your own love. You feel afraid of losing his love because you are putting all of your love-generating capacity outside of yourself and onto him. When we fall in love, we aren’t just falling in love with the other person, we are falling in love with who we are in the other person’s eyes. We are falling in love with our own reflection. Of course that feels good! The cool thing is that underneath all of these thoughts that make you feel badly about yourself, you have the full capacity to simply look within and decide to fall in love–other people are just icing on that cake. I want you to look at the following thoughts and list at least 3 ways that they are true with regard to this relationship and beyond:

“I need MY love.”
“I do not trust MYSELF.”
“I could leave MYSELF.”

Your trust for him and your ability to receive his love will grow in relationship to your ability to trust and love yourself. Look at all of the wonderful juiciness in your life that you are creating ALL BY YOURSELF. In what ways do you step away from yourself and all of the juiciness in your life when you start believing that he might leave and that you can’t live without his love? Those are moments to come back to yourself, to spend some really juicy YOU time, to remind yourself that YOU will never leave you, that you will always be there to provide all that you need. In what ways can you become the most loving and reliable lover that you can ever possibly imagine…to yourself? I want to share a poem with you that I think is good medicine for you, right now. It is called “I Don’t Trust You” and was written by a lovely woman named Natalie Chalmers.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of all burden to meet my expectations.
To be anyone I need you to be in order to feel safe.
I don’t trust you and I don’t expect you to trust me.
I relieve myself of all burden to be who you think I am.

And I open my heart as wide as I feel I can.
And that part of me still behind the curtain of
old paradigm beliefs and thoughts
looks to see if you have too.

And I feel happy when I think you have.
And sad when I think you haven’t.
And I tremble with anxiety when I think I have and you haven’t.

And then I remember.
I don’t trust you.
I don’t need to trust you.
My heart is not a fragile thing made of glass.
It is strong beyond all knowing.
It can open wide enough for the whole world to flow through it.
And it takes nothing from me, even when I give it all.

Because Love flows through my heart.
A stream of energy that I can’t keep.
Can’t hold tight onto it.
It moves
Emotion.
Energy in motion.

And every break it has ever had
has only been there to tear it wider.
To open it more.
To expand it so that even more Love can flow through it.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of the burden to approve of me,
because I am already Accepted.
I relieve you of the burden to love me,
because I am already Loved.
But I invite you in to share my love.
Share in my sharing.
To play with this flow that bounces between people
As they wax and wane in connection.

I don’t trust you and you needn’t trust me.
Only share what is True for you
And I will do the same.

I don’t trust you.
But I trust myself wholly
to be able to handle anything that
Life can ever bring to me.

Anything.
Through anyone.

Even you.

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Be patient with this process–you deserve the utmost gentleness from yourself as you slowly release your grip around these thoughts that have caused you such fear and pain. I celebrate you as you open yourself bit by bit to discover how infinite that love truly is.

My love to you and that sweet man in your life,

:)Melissa A.K.A the JoyDiva

P.S. Visit my website, www.melissasimonson.com, to schedule a complimentary connection call. I would be honored to connect with you and explore what would open up for you and your life through a session together. xo

©2012 Melissa Simonson

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I Cannot Seem to Achieve Lasting Relationships: What’s Wrong With Me?

Posted on January 9, 2012 | 5 comments

Hi JoyDiva,

I feel like I am broken beyond repair. I ended a 3 1/2 year relationship well over three years ago due to his infidelity. I was married and that ended in divorce over his drug use. I have tried dating sites etc and always end up disillusioned by men or people in general. Help me. I am coming to the conclusion that it has to be me. I am going through a program through my job to talk to a therapist but truly feel that something is wrong within me and I do not know how to fix me. I am figuring out that I am alone for a reason/s but cannot figure out why.
I think men can take a look at me and see the huge BROKEN sign flashing over my head and run away as fast as they can. I feel I am a great catch. I work, can cook great meals, am sharp and intelligent. Not a barbie doll but unique in my own way. Help me. I need to figure it out so that I can breath and finally be at peace. Once I get there I might be able to see things and allow love or whatever to come back into my life. How can it be that I want something so badly and know I have so much to give but cannot seem to achieve lasting relationships.

I appreciate your help or guidance,

Love,
The Hermit

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Dearest Hermit,

First of all, I want to thank you for your heartfelt honesty–there will be many who thank you for reaching out and sharing in this way. I can feel the pain in your words, and I am so sorry to hear that you have been in such a place of suffering.

You have said, “I am coming to the conclusion that it has to be me.” In a certain respect, you are right about this, but NOT in the way that you think. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not need to be “fixed.” It is this belief that you are carrying, that you are somehow damaged goods beyond repair, that is causing you so much suffering within yourself and then in your relationships.

All relationships in our lives are mirrors for the relationship that we are having with ourselves–when all other people fall away, you are still left with the company of your thoughts and how you choose to respond to those thoughts. Do you like the way you are treating yourself? Do you like the company that you keep in the quiet moments? Every person who comes into your life and makes you feel unwanted, invalidated, ignored, unworthy of love, etc. is a mirror for how you have been treating yourself. If you are beating yourself up, telling yourself that you are broken, believing that you have to be something else in order to be worthy and that it is only love from another that will make you whole, you will continue to attract people who mirror this abuse you are handing to yourself. They do see a broken sign, but that’s because you are entering relationships believing that it is the other person’s job to fix you with his love. As long as you believe that you need a partner, that you need his love, that someone else will make you whole, you will end up disillusioned.

Life is giving you an opportunity to fall in love with YOURSELF. You are so much more than just a woman who can hold down a job and cook a good dinner. You are so much more than even sharp and intelligent. So. Much. More. AND, you are the source of your own love. No one else can give it to you. You have been believing so long that you need love and approval to come from other people–I can feel your deep longing to have someone say to you: “You are beautiful and I love you exactly the way that you are.” Give this gift to yourself. You are the only one who has been keeping yourself from that wonderful gift. In what ways is it true that you do NOT need love from another person? It what ways is it true that YOU need to love yourself?

If you want to date someone who makes you feel cherished and wanted and desired, you have to start cherishing yourself. The first step is to stop beating yourself up every time a relationship doesn’t work out–they fail because they aren’t right, not because there is something wrong with you. Thank goodness those relationships didn’t work because you deserve so much more! Every time you think that you could have or should have done things differently, you just hurt yourself. I will say it again and again. There is nothing wrong with you, and believing that there is f-in hurts, doesn’t it? Let’s start filling you up with some loving thoughts and activities. Your assignment:

1) Make a list of the ways that a partner could make you feel cherished. (for example, He would listen to me intently, tell me that he loves me, call me often, be honest with me and value my honesty, make me feel like I’m the most important person to him, snuggle and watch t.v., etc…whatever feels good to you, have fun with it.)

2) Take that list of activities that make you feel cherished and turn them around. (For example, if listening to you is on your list, in what ways can you listen to yourself more? In what ways can you be more honest with yourself? In what ways can you treat yourself as though YOU are the most important person to you?) It’s time to start “courting” yourself and treating yourself like the goddess you know that you are deep down.

3) Make a list…a looooooonnnnng list, about all that makes you Miss Fabulous. (for example, quirky, funny, genuine, sensual, loyal, compassionate, etc.) Time yourself to do this for at least five minutes and have fun with how yummy it feels to give yourself this well-deserved acknowledgment.

4) Last and far from least, I want to recommend a very important teacher for you who has a series of books and audio that will change your life if you let it. I want you to watch this video of her working with a woman who also believes there is “something wrong with her” and see what comes up for you as you do. (It made me tear up at times watching her remember her love for herself.)

I highly recommend this book or audiobook for you: I Need Your Love – Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead

Book format
Audiobook format

Working with your thoughts and falling in love with yourself is going to take time, Dear One. I am glad that you are exploring therapy, and I want you to know that I would be honored to work with you as well–I can walk you through some powerful exercises like what you witnessed in the video to get you seeing what is REALLY true and how lovable that you really are, and then lovingly hold you accountable as you take this positive action in your life. You are not a lost cause–you’ve just been believing some painful, untrue things about yourself for a long time.

Much Love,

:)Melissa A.K.A. The JoyDiva

©2012 Melissa Simonson

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