Why Is It So Hard for Me to Accept That My Boyfriend Loves Me?

Dear JoyDiva,

Why is it so hard for me to accept that my boyfriend loves me? I have met the perfect man. He is kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny and generous. He tells me that he loves me, that I’m beautiful and that I make him smile every day. My problem is that I don’t believe him. There’s absolutely nothing that he has done to make me feel that his love is not true. Why can’t I accept that he loves me? Why do I have to question it? Why can’t I be comfortable knowing that he loves me? Of course, that leads me to me next dilemma. When is he going to stop loving me? I have a feeling it may be when I begin to annoy him with all these insecurities! Thanks for your help.

Julie

———————————————————————————————————

Dearest Julie,

I’m so happy to hear that you have found someone who is so good at loving you up–it sounds like he is a wonderful mirror for you right now of your own kind, smart, sexy, loving, funny, and generous self. You, of course, wouldn’t appreciate these qualities about HIM so much if they weren’t values living inside of you, as well. He is no more or less perfect that you are, my dear.

His love is also a wonderful mirror for you to take a look at the beliefs you have about yourself that are keeping you from experiencing the love that you long for. You are right, Dear Heart in recognizing that it’s nothing to do with him and everything to do with your thoughts. I want to turn your question around on you and have you think on this for a moment–When he tells you he loves you and whispers all of the sweet nothings that you’ve longed to hear, what are the thoughts that come up that keep you from accepting it? Somewhere underneath there I would imagine are some thoughts along the lines of: you need his love in order to be happy, that you can’t trust love to be there–that you cannot trust him, or anyone for that matter, and that oh yes, you might not actually be worthy of receiving the love that you believe you need so much in the first place. What did you DO to make him love you so much, and uh oh, what are you going to DO to screw it up? How could you, all by yourself, without doing anything other than being you, possibly be worthy of such kindness? I realize that it can hurt to own some of these thoughts, but the more honest you can be with these thoughts, the more healing…and love can start to flow in their place.

The truth is that love has nothing to do with what we do or how worthy we are or not–and it never comes from “that person” or “out there.” Right now, the idea of losing his love feels so scary because your mind has pulled you away from one very essential truth: You source your own love. You feel afraid of losing his love because you are putting all of your love-generating capacity outside of yourself and onto him. When we fall in love, we aren’t just falling in love with the other person, we are falling in love with who we are in the other person’s eyes. We are falling in love with our own reflection. Of course that feels good! The cool thing is that underneath all of these thoughts that make you feel badly about yourself, you have the full capacity to simply look within and decide to fall in love–other people are just icing on that cake. I want you to look at the following thoughts and list at least 3 ways that they are true with regard to this relationship and beyond:

“I need MY love.”
“I do not trust MYSELF.”
“I could leave MYSELF.”

Your trust for him and your ability to receive his love will grow in relationship to your ability to trust and love yourself. Look at all of the wonderful juiciness in your life that you are creating ALL BY YOURSELF. In what ways do you step away from yourself and all of the juiciness in your life when you start believing that he might leave and that you can’t live without his love? Those are moments to come back to yourself, to spend some really juicy YOU time, to remind yourself that YOU will never leave you, that you will always be there to provide all that you need. In what ways can you become the most loving and reliable lover that you can ever possibly imagine…to yourself? I want to share a poem with you that I think is good medicine for you, right now. It is called “I Don’t Trust You” and was written by a lovely woman named Natalie Chalmers.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of all burden to meet my expectations.
To be anyone I need you to be in order to feel safe.
I don’t trust you and I don’t expect you to trust me.
I relieve myself of all burden to be who you think I am.

And I open my heart as wide as I feel I can.
And that part of me still behind the curtain of
old paradigm beliefs and thoughts
looks to see if you have too.

And I feel happy when I think you have.
And sad when I think you haven’t.
And I tremble with anxiety when I think I have and you haven’t.

And then I remember.
I don’t trust you.
I don’t need to trust you.
My heart is not a fragile thing made of glass.
It is strong beyond all knowing.
It can open wide enough for the whole world to flow through it.
And it takes nothing from me, even when I give it all.

Because Love flows through my heart.
A stream of energy that I can’t keep.
Can’t hold tight onto it.
It moves
Emotion.
Energy in motion.

And every break it has ever had
has only been there to tear it wider.
To open it more.
To expand it so that even more Love can flow through it.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of the burden to approve of me,
because I am already Accepted.
I relieve you of the burden to love me,
because I am already Loved.
But I invite you in to share my love.
Share in my sharing.
To play with this flow that bounces between people
As they wax and wane in connection.

I don’t trust you and you needn’t trust me.
Only share what is True for you
And I will do the same.

I don’t trust you.
But I trust myself wholly
to be able to handle anything that
Life can ever bring to me.

Anything.
Through anyone.

Even you.

————————-

Be patient with this process–you deserve the utmost gentleness from yourself as you slowly release your grip around these thoughts that have caused you such fear and pain. I celebrate you as you open yourself bit by bit to discover how infinite that love truly is.

My love to you and that sweet man in your life,

:)Melissa A.K.A the JoyDiva

©2012 Melissa Simonson

17 responses to “Why Is It So Hard for Me to Accept That My Boyfriend Loves Me?

  1. amazing advice

  2. This just helped me so much. Thank you for writing it. I have a new amazing boyfriend and I can’t believe he likes me because he’s so wonderful. I’m not alone in this. I am working on loving myself. Thank you thank you thank you.

    • Hi Beautiful,

      One of my favorite quotations that I am holding close to my own heart right now comes from Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, “Fear is excitement without the breath.” As the fear creeps in with your new found awesomeness, just remember to breath and feel your heart expanding to fill you with goodness and then, let it go. With every simple breath you can expand your capacity to receive goodness from yourself and the world around you. Remember that you can have everything that you ever wanted when you choose to give it to yourself–by saying no to anything that does not feel like a yes within your heart, by having patience for what you do want to present itself, and then by saying YES! to that which brings you alive. You deserve Mr. Wonderful AND you deserve to be true to your own heart…and you get to have both as you continue to honor yourself!

      You are never alone. You are always supported. You are always loved. Celebrating you and your new expansion! xo :)Melissa

  3. Pingback: Bullied as a Child: How Can I Trust in Intimate Relationships? | Ask the JoyDiva™

  4. I have the same problem i got this wonderfull guy in my life n he tells me he loves me all the time but i just cant accept it! After i read this i did feel a lot better n i realize its true i need to start loving myself to accept that other people can love me too! Thanks

  5. Thank you so much Melissa. I am sitting at my desk as my wonderful boyfriend sleeps behind me, unable to join him for fear of asserting my insecurities. That’s so true, what the poem said about love being an energy that flows…an energy that cannot be caught. I have moved a lot in my young life and am coming to realise that I avoid spreading roots as a result…I think I make a subconscious effort not to get close to people. I am afraid of how much I love my boyfriend and I think even more afraid of him loving me. I simply can’t accept it.

  6. I love this omg amazing!!!!

  7. This is ever so helpful. I’ve had bad past experiences and it’s hard to accept that someone really cares for me and loves me like he says he does I’m just so scared to loose him and it feels that I’m pushing him away because of it.

  8. So, here I am sitting at my desk at work, bawling my eyes out. I didn’t know exactly what I was searching for but some how I found this and it was exactly what I needed. Thank you, you wonderful stranger.

    • You are welcome, My Love. I’m here for you if you need anything–feel free to reach out with questions or to request a free connection call to talk about how I might support you. xo Melissa AKA The JoyDiva

  9. Pingback: Love yourself at first | Pantera @ Spotlife

  10. This really helped me and that poem was a blessing. Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s